My brain is a computer

There’s something that causes me to clash with other, normal humans: my brain is actually a computer. Now, I get that brains are technically organic computers, but mine seems to be something more on the order of an old Dell that runs Linux. Just today, as I was shopping for sheets for my dorm room, I heard, “I don’t think you have any idea of how much stuff costs.” So my brain does this:

>input: “I don’t think you have any idea of how much stuff costs.”

>keywords: MUCH, COSTS

>output: look for cheapest sheets available

I picked up a sheet set for, like, $21.99 or something. They were 275 thread count, pretty cheap-looking. The thing is with me, I don’t care. Sure, I can tell the difference between 700 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets infused with orphan tears and 275 thread count sheets made of opossum, but it doesn’t matter to me. Even if I know, objectively, that I’d enjoy sleeping on fancy-ass bedding, I’m not going to mind sleeping on ghetto sheets. My brain sees this as:

>input: “700 thread count sheets, $149.99” — “275 thread count sheets, $21.99” — “Microfiber sheets, $39.99”

>keywords: SHEETS, $149.99 — SHEETS, $21.99 — SHEETS, $39.99

>criterion: cheapest available

>process: $21.99 < $39.99 < $149.99

>output: purchase “275 thread count sheets, $21.99”

And that makes my computer brain happy. Normal humans are like, “Microfiber’s easier to wash, and it’s between the other two prices. Get that.” But I think, “Error. Clashes with criterion: cheapest available.” And that makes my computer brain sad. This results in my inability to take anything in a less-than-literal way; just like a computer, what you put in is exactly what you’ll get out. Most humans have some process, which is entirely mysterious to me, to tell them how to act around each other. Normally, my literal input-output system works. People like when they get exactly what they put in for things like, say, small talk. Pleasant attitude, friendly demeanor, whatever. But, if someone puts in a command that they didn’t really mean or that was supposed to have nuance, I won’t pick it up. Other normal humans will, but I won’t, and that makes normal humans frustrated. That’s probably why I’m not fun to shop with.

Normal human: *holds up patterned shirt* “What do you think of this?”

Me: *processing* “That’s a shirt.”

Normal human: “Yeah, but what do you think? Should I get it?”

Me: *downloading query* “Do you need a shirt?”

Normal human: “I guess… we’re shopping. What I’m asking is, do you like it?”

Me: *error: query not found* “… That’s a shirt.”

Normal human: “You’re no fun to shop with. I’m buying it.”

Me: *processing potential mistakes, unanswered queries* *404: not found*

Published bymadzapan

Madzapan spends her time walking between two keyboards: the computer's and the piano's. Writing, music, and opinions are just about her entire life, so it only made sense for her to create a website with that stuff on it.

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